DALTON CAMP, "U.S. NEEDS NEW JINGLE FOR ITS WAR," HALIFAX DAILY NEWS (NOVEMBER 13, 2001).

Copyright Halifax Daily News 2001

Since it has become apparent America's war is not going quite as expeditiously as planned, and since there are signs of the degrading of assets, including war enthusiasts in various European nations, the Bush administration has done the sensible thing -- it has hired a new advertising agency.

There is general agreement the war needs a new campaign to replace the old one that has been operative for almost a month. Advertising campaigns promoting wars have about the same shelf life as your average beer commercials. There will be more than just a new ad campaign to help the cause. According to CNN, the Bush administration is actively seeking the support of Hollywood film stars, producers, directors and screenwriters to make America more likeable among the unenlightened.

The buttons are now off the foils; this means total war. Hollywood, once feared and reviled by all good Republicans, has joined the anti-terrorist alliance. It is thus timely for the rest of us to ask ourselves what we can do, singly or collectively, to help in this massive propaganda effort.

Since I'm as opposed to terrorism as the next man or woman, I would like to help. I'm serious about this, and encouraged, to begin with, realizing the Bush administration admits it has a problem.

It is important, in these troubled times, to speak candidly to our friends about these matters if we truly mean to be helpful. Our purpose is to improve America's image outside the states of Texas, Oklahoma and Georgia, as well as the rest of the world, in order to gain more enthusiastic support for America's war.

Herewith, a memo to the new agency: first, we have to stop calling this "America's War." If it's exclusively your war, how do you explain Tony Blair? Or even John Manley? CNN goes worldwide day and night with this slogan about "America's War," which serves to convince people it is, indeed, America's very own war and all the talk about the allies is just Hollywood make-believe.

And another thing: tell the politicians to stop talking about "a long war." How in hell would they know? How long is a long war? For me, a week is a long war, but in the 17th century, the Europeans had a Thirty Years War that included a two-year hiatus in the middle. Keep in mind, that war was fought between competing religions. This ensured durability.

Both the ad campaign and any new movies should tell the world of America's new humility. Commercials should show America losing the Davis Cup finals and World Cup matches and the War of 1812. A documentary film series should be prepared featuring the world's greatest generals. These would include generals George Washington, George Patton and Saladin.

Now, for the really hard part of this campaign -- to give America an improved world image,

The agency should think about changing the music. For instance, instead of singing God Bless America, which -- let's face it -- alienates a hell of a lot of people who are touchy about these matters, we should sing instead that wonderful old patriotic tune, Oh Lord, It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way. This new, revised anthem is suitable for crowds of 100,000 or more at sporting contests and for smaller groups, such as cabinet meetings and gatherings of the Club of Rome.

While God Bless America is, basically, an exclusive anthem, Oh Lord, It's Hard To Be Humble is an inclusive one, since everyone in the alliance feels more or less that way, as do many Americans.

Finally, the crusher: we must win America's War Against Superlatives. This will not be easy. It will be a long war. America, led by its political community, has become addicted to superlatives; they have become a form of punctuation, a kind of speech impediment and an escape from rational thought.

Even if America was the greatest country in the world, with the best movies, highest fashion, most billionaires, greatest democracy, the bravest warriors, the fastest runners, the prettiest flowers and the most scenery, the rest of the world really doesn't want to hear about it. Like, not all day every day. If IBM could eliminate the letters "s" and "t" from all the word processors of all the speechwriters in America, we could shorten the war by half -- and double America's popularity everywhere.